Fly free

Final paperwork is filed.  Divorce is final six months after you were served.  So April 22nd.  I thought it would be final today.  I was wrong.  It might as well be final today though.  You have blocked me everywhere so I couldn’t even tell you.  I also could have filed the final paperwork months ago.  I didn’t know that either.  But it’s all filed and done.  I’m gone and so are you.


You can blame me all you want.  You can say whatever you want.  But I’m done blaming.  I’m done defending myself.  I’m just done. Exhausted by this whole thing.  You won’t even let us co-parent our kid.  So I’m done.  You won’t ever hear from me again.  But I’m done crying all day like I did yesterday.  Done with the anxiety of having to file and deal with a divorce I was pushed into.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad I did it.  You just push and push, throw daggers through your hurtful words, hoping I will crack and go back on my promise.  Well I didn’t.  No formal child support.  Never put you or Jack into the court system.  Let’s just hope you hold to your word until he graduates.  1st and the 15th.  That is all you allow yourself to be now so that is all you are.


You talk about how happy you are with your new submissive.  Your new girl.  Words you know will hurt me.  I’m genuinely happy for you.  Stoked you found someone who compliments you better than I did.  Does all the things better than I did.  Is all you wanted and more.  Your unicorn.  According to you, you stayed with me too long.  Yeah?  Welcome to the club.  I know that feeling all too well.  I thought marriage would change us.  I thought it would make us unstoppable.  A force to be reckoned with.  Boy was I wrong.


But I don’t regret it.  It got me to where I am today.  With someone who doesn’t judge me.  Thinks I am a goddess.  A unicorn.  Because I am. Someone who lets me be me and is proud of me. In his arms, I feel safe. Truly safe. For probably the first time ever. I thought I had been safe but it never felt like this so I know I wasn’t.  This is what it is supposed to feel like.  That is why I can submit in ways I never thought possible.  Ways I never thought I wanted.  I am always marked with a tender and bruised reminder of him.  A reminder of who I belong to.  I trust him completely and he has not let me down.  He only exceed my expectations.  I sometimes flinch when I think he might get mad when I am vulnerable with him.  He knows where my trauma lies and hides.  Waiting to rear its ugly head.  But he just scoops me up and tells me it’s going to be okay.  It is such a foreign feeling.  I know he won’t hurt me.  Emotionally anyway.  😈


My tall, dark and handsome.  We turn heads when we walk into a room.  Probably because we can see above everyone’s.  I am told that I light up when I talk about him.  Get a mischievous grin and a glint in my eye.  He brings out a side of me that I thought was dead and killed.  Stomped the life out of.  He shows me things that I thought were no longer possible.  I am over the moon.  I get twinges of guilt sometime for being so very happy.  But then I just have to remember the words you have typed out at me about her, about you, about me, and the guilt immediately goes away.  This is where I am supposed to be.


I wish you the best.  I hope you get everything you deserve and more.  Everything you ever want from her and life.  It does make me smile to know that you are happy with someone else experiencing the same happiness I am.  I will cherish our life together because it was not all bad.  I will dwell on those good times and memories and smiles.


But I am finally fucking free.