Done defending myself

I think I have learned my lesson.  It really does not matter what anyone thinks of me.  It is what I think of myself.  I know I do not bash my ex husband like he thinks I do.  I know he is broken and did not know how to have a healthy relationship.  Hell so was I.  So am I.  I am trying to heal myself.

It is kind of mind blowing watching someone re-write history.  Like actively re-write it.  You walked away unwillingly?  I tried to get you to talk to me.  TO address the issues we were having.  You just ignored me.  Or did not want to deal with me.  There is so much I do not remember because I have realized I lose parts of my memory because of the trauma.  But I do know I did not cheat on you.  I did not lie to you as much as you seemingly think.  We all lie and anyone who says they don not is lying.  I have not abused you and gaslit you and all the crazy shit you are accusing me of.  I have not blamed everything on you.  I have taken accountability for all sorts of shit.  That is why I am done.  Done defending myself.  Done trying to make you see.  Done trying to get my validation from you.  I am so glad you have figured it out with a new partner.  She will reap the benefits of what I rarely got.

I know you loved me.  I know you abused me.  I know I reacted to that abuse with abuse of my own.  Reactive abuse makes so much sense to me now.  I was so afraid that I was the abuser.  That I was the gaslighter.  That I was the narcissist.  I am not perfect but I am not the monster you have rewritten me to be.  If that is what allows you to ‘get over’ me, cool.  Have at it.  You think I am not as emotionally intelligent as you once gave me credit for?  Laughable. I know my truth and you are no longer it. You have planted ideas in my head for so many years.  It will take me awhile to get past them but I am working on it.  And I am doing so much better. I do not feel insane for my reality.  Only when I read your journals, which I really need to stop doing.  At least I do not get the notifications anymore.