Weaving a web

You keep spinning that web of misconceptions to yourself. I’m sure it helps you to feel like you didn’t do the shit you did to me. That it was all my fault. All my shortcomings and things you keep telling yourself were why we failed. I had my part. I took responsibility for that but you keep saying I didn’t.  It is very confusing. I can’t dwell on things that won’t change where we are now.  Efforts in futility.  Yet I keep reading his journal.  I cannot seem to stop myself.  It is frustrating but curiosity is one of my downfalls.  I am sure he knows that and it is why he posts.  He knows I will check and read it.  So here I am responding.  Our little toxic dance.


I loved you for just you. Nothing else. I loved you for the good and for the bad. I loved you completely.  I never tried to change you.  I tried to get you to meet me in raising our son. Or participating on our relationship.  But I never tried to change you per se.  And I will never forget us.  You think it was so easy for me to walk away from the man that I vowed to stay with.  Until death do us part.  I took my vows very seriously.  It was all I ever wanted.  And to walk away from you and everything that came with that tore my heart out.  You will never understand what I went through.  I never thought it would end like this.  I wanted to end this life with you  I really did.  Sucks you think I planned this all and I’m some evil heartless bitch.  None of this is enjoyable.  NONE OF IT.  Sick that you really think I derive some sort of pleasure from any of this.


You always had conditions. You can’t do this. Wear this. Lose weight. I have texts and emails to prove it. I had to rebuild my folder of emails from him. It’s crazy to see the very first email from him. And then going through them was really eye opening and rather heartbreaking. I should have left so long ago. But I loved him. And you stay if you love someone, right?  Through everything regardless of the shit he throws at you. Never again. I should have left sooner for the both of us. For my son.


I saw the years of pushing other women onto me and into our relationship in those emails. Things I had forgotten or blocked out. It was so gross. I could see my desperation to please him but also my feelings of rejection. Why wasn’t I good enough?  I’m not crazy. My feelings were very validated reading through the stuff I could get through. I could only read so much. I don’t want to live in that past.


I’m not perfect. I did things I am not proud of. I yelled too much through all my hurt. I made poor decisions. I apologized profusely and tried to not make the same mistakes. He never heard any of it.  I wasn’t running to him from my ex either. My ex slept with every one of my friends. I wanted my first marriage to work. I stayed in that relationship for too long as well. My sense of loyalty can be my downfall.


I’m not a narcissist. I’m not going to let that narrative get beat into my head until I believe it. Just like the rest of this narrative being spun. I wasn’t a horrible monster. I definitely wasn’t perfect but I wasn’t sucking him dry and just using him. I loved him with everything I had. He wasn’t a supply at all. If he was, I would have stayed!  I’ve really looked deep into that because that’s the last thing I want to be. I’m not his ex. And the fact that he lumps me in with her hurts. And I know he’s doing that to hurt me, whether he realizes it or not. I’ve asked our therapist if I am. She doesn’t validate his shit as much as he hopes she would. It’s quite interesting actually. But hey I wouldn’t want to triangulate, right? 🙄


My ex isn’t a narcissist. Not a true one. That term has really been overused. I agree with him on that. But hey he uses it a whole lot describing me. Weird. He has narcissistic tendencies for sure but I don’t believe he is one. He fed me crumbs. He did whatever he wanted a lot of times with no regard to me or our son. I blame that on myself. I should have let him go when he broke up with me when I was pregnant. I came across that email. It was heartbreaking. He now paints himself as this person he really wasn’t. At least not as often as he seems to think. I never wanted him to feel trapped so I taught him how to treat me. That is 100% on me. I didn’t learn that lesson from my first marriage. I learned it now.


And to say I forced “some weird abusive non consensual polyamory” onto him.  Um no I did not.  WE WERE SEPARATED.  Such a fucked up rewriting of history.  I didn’t force shit onto him.  He made his choices and decisions just like I did.  WE WERE SEPARATED.  I cannot say that enough.  When two people are separated, they are apart.  Not with each other.  Broken up. I could go on and on, pointing the finger but it’s utterly exhausting.  And I just don’t want to do it anymore.  Pointless.  You’re going to think and spin whatever you want and I have no control over that.  So I am letting it go.


I don’t have to say anything to anyone. They saw. He says I would be bothered about what his friends say about me. All his friends have approached me and said some pretty shitty things about him over the years. Even recently. Without me even saying a word. Why are you with him?  How did he score such a catch?  The list goes on and on. All the things he’s now saying about his ‘unicorn’. Quite telling that he’s using that term now. I feel like it is to try and get under my skin because I started using that to describe me. Because I am a bright and unique unicorn. But hey keep using another thing that started with me to describe your submissive.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am ecstatic he has his girl. Made it so much easier for me to walk away. Thank gawd for her!  She’s my angel. And I am genuinely happy they found each other. I can’t express that enough. All he ever wanted in a person.  He deserves to be happy with her.


I rarely gush about my romantic life. I know if I did, it would crush him. If he saw a picture of us, it would be devastating. If he knew details or even his name. So I keep that all to myself. No, it’s not the creepy fireman. Ew. But my ex likes to tell how his girl is this that and the other. All the things I was that I was chastised for. I got a lot of attention too but that was bad. Or so I was told. So I hid my light under a bush. Don’t shine too bright. It might hurt him. Now I am shining and it feels glorious. I was always who I was with my ex . . . just muted. Don’t make him feel bad. Don’t make him upset. Don’t make him feel insecure. All to the detriment of me. Well now I can shine as brightly as I want and I have people that celebrate that. But more importantly, I am proud of myself and love myself more than I ever have. I’m a good person. I care deeply for people in my life. I am not ashamed of that. I take care of the people in my life. I took care of him as best as I could and as best as I was allowed.


I did get brave enough to introduce him to some of my friends for the first time. I got to wear heels and still not be taller than him. I was told we make a pretty eye catching couple. But even more than the physical aspects, I was told he doesn’t take his eyes off me. He walks by my side with his hand in the small of my back and makes sure I am safe. He can’t keep his hands off me in the most sweetest way. I’m so used to sleeping in my own little ball but he doesn’t let me. I think he’s asleep and I scoot to my side of the bed.  He wakes up and will scoop me up to pull me back to him. Wrap himself up around me and holds me until he falls back asleep. Aggressive cuddling we call it.  He can’t get enough of me and I feel the same way about him.  He can see the hurt sometimes though.  I try not to let it through.  I am in the habit of walking on the left side of him, like my ex.  Very subconscious and I guess I move there whenever we walk together.  He asked why I do that.  My eyes kinda welled up and he got very concerned.  “What did I do?”  Sweet, kind man.  You didn’t do anything.  I am just conditioned in certain ways and when they get pointed out, I think of my ex and our dynamic.  That is a tangled web that I will never untangle.


I don’t want to dwell on the negative with my ex. I do not tell people all the things you said. I don’t tell them about the nights you left me crying. I do not show them these texts and emails I have saved and about all the games you played. Whenever somebody says your name, I do not break. I learned my lesson. I just say it is for the best and it is over now. It was not anyone’s fault that it did not work out. You are a good man but it just was not forever no matter how much we both wanted it to be. We wanted different things and we had a good run. You are better off and so am I. It is what it is. I do not tell them how you broke my heart. I just tell them that we grew too far apart. I dwell on the good times and the laughs and the smiles. And all the love. Because there were a lot of those times, whether or not he sees it. I chose to dwell on the day he collared me and the joy I felt. The euphoria of our wedding day. Getting stuck in the rain in Bali. Seeing a geisha in Japan. And many many more.  The memories where we are both smiling and loving each other. I live there now these days.