So many things

This is going to be all over the place.  Welcome to my brain at times.  I have been busy with work and have not written here in awhile.  I guess I took a break.  Let thoughts sink in.  The change of scenery is nice.  Plus I have a hard time saying anything here as it gets taken like I am directing it at someone.  Unless I specifically say this is about you, it most likely is not.  I do not feel shame for wanting to sleep with other people.  I feel shamed for wanting to explore those feelings and just trying to figure shit out.  I am not suddenly poly.  I never said I was even poly.  I am just exploring things.  I have always been happy and satisfied with you and was never doing anything you were not aware of.  Again, the insinuation makes me feel like shit.  Saying “The final nail in our twenty years appears to be whether she can have sex with other dudes or not.” is so far from the truth.  That is at the bottom of my priority list and I cannot keep reiterating things.  I am exhausted.


I randomly fell back into D/s.  I met a guy on a normal dating app.  We clicked and he noticed my collar in one of my pictures.  I never thought I would do anything like that again.  But I realized I did miss it.  At least parts of it.  Things just went from there.  He has never put a collar around my neck.  I do not know if I can ever let someone do that again even thought I miss it.  Did I do it with the intent purpose of hurting you?  No.  Oh and by the way, I never said people could just act like pieces of shit and your feelings are on you about their actions.  If someone is a good person, does the best they can, are empathetic and compassionate, they can still end up hurting someone’s feelings with their actions.  I am sorry my actions hurt your feelings.  I did not intend to hurt you.  I really did not.  I was just living my life.  I just meant you are responsible for how you deal with those feelings and what choices you make.


If the roles were reversed, who knows how I would feel.  I do know we are different though and I might not be bothered much.  But that does not mean I do not care or love you or think that what we had is diminished.  You are just you and that is a part of you. Does that make what we had less sacred and special?  Not in my eyes because it does not compare.  I do not like to compare people and experiences.  I never meant to humiliate anyone.  I guess that is how I felt when he changed his profile to single and changed his location.  All of our “friends” saw that.  I did not change any of my profile until after after he did.  Not that it matters but I guess I was just following his lead.  Regardless, past is past and I hate going back there for so many reasons.


If you do not want to fuck Joey, then you should not be doing that.  You are fucking with her feelings most of all.  That is so not cool.  And you seem to be doing it to get some rise out of me.  Like I need to be saying stop!  No!  I have rarely been one to tell you what to do.  Why do you think I am going to start now? It is your life.  Your decisions. Why do I have to help you with your journey?  I have helped you for years and look at where it got me?  I am not asking for your help in mine.  That is the whole point. To stand alone.  Comfortable in our own skin.  Whole.  Or as whole as one can be while still moving forward, growing and healing.  I still feel like I have all this pressure on me to dig you out and be responsible for you.  I need to be responsible for me.


I hate that you think your journals hurt me.  They do not at all.  I gain insight into what you are going through.  I can respond if I want.  Do not assume that I am always mad at them.  I very rarely am.  It does make me sad that you never thought I had your back. I defended you.  I caught you plenty of times when no one else did.  I might have left physically but my heart was always left with you.  Broken, beaten and scarred.  But it was always with you. I was your ride or die.  Fuck, I still am.  I have not abandoned you.  I am insulted to be lumped in with all the women in your life.  No one has endured like I have.  No one has loved you like I have.  I made my mistakes.  No one is perfect.  But I fought for years for you.


There are other things in your journals that are not my truths.  But at this point, I cannot keep addressing them.  It just seems pointless.  So you just keep working on your comparisons and your assumptions because those really will be the final nails in our twenty years.  And I will keep working on myself.  All I can do is be a good person and live my life.  I am doing it alone at the moment and that is a good thing.  For now.


By the way, I truly believe Deleted Man is my ex.  I hope he does not rear his ugly head again.  That is my worst fear.