Yesterday was a struggle. I have been feeling sad all last week but it was just below the surface. Yesterday I felt drenched in it. I felt like crying all day. And I am honestly not sure why. I am just trying to sit with it and feel it so it will hopefully go away.

 

Feel the emotion. Do not become the emotion.

 

I am getting ready to drive down south this week sometime. Just flying by the seat of my pants, which feels good. I need a change of scenery and some time with my friends. My mom wants to go to Catalina so that will be fun. I am looking forward to that. I have not been since I was little. Hopefully do some work too while I am down.

 

I am hoping the ocean lifts my spirits. Water always makes me feel a little better. I think I am sad because I am lonely. I am trying to figure the why out though. Might just be my depression trying to creep in. Who knows. I do know that I do not like feeling this way.

 

It has been two weeks. If he wants to reach out, he can. It makes me feel pretty horrible that he thinks something fishy is going on. /sigh I am just trying to take care of myself. Not talking has brought some clarity. Not in a decision making way. Just being able to see myself more clearly. I lose so much of myself being wrapped up in someone else. I feel like I make his life more painful anyway. More work at least.  Maybe he is better off without me. ? Plus his friend is still there.  And he met Joey.  Ugh.  I feel like everyone else has gotten the best version of us and we gave each other . . . less.  I dunno.  I feel shitty.