I’m feeling very discombobulated.  I hate feeling this way.  I need to do some grounding work.  When I start feeling like this, I just wanna go crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing.  It is very overwhelming.  I am trying to apply my human design to times like this but I am still learning about it all so it is difficult.  I am just trying to focus on getting my stuff done and working on myself.  I got my physical done today plus I went up to hang out with my bonus daughter.  We skated for a brief moment but there were too many little kids so we went and got salads.  Then headed over to see her new place and catch up.  She seems like she is doing really good, which I am glad.  Her place is really nice for a first apartment.  Plus she got a brand new car for graduation.  I cannot fathom having a life like hers but it is not my life.  I am just glad she is doing better.  Sounds like she has a plan for her future too so that is really good.


I am considering having a friend rent out my spare room.  She only needs it for six months so that would be a nice short span of financial help.  Just a little bit but it is something.  She is responsible and sweet and quiet.  She just got sober and it will be helpful for her to not have to be living in the Marina.  Plus she will be going back and forth to her parent’s in Napa periodically so I think it will be a good thing.  I have this mama bear thing with her.  She is my bonus daughter’s age but has her shit so together that she seems much older.  It is an interesting comparison.  I work out with her and since she is sober, she is actually a good influence with that and eating.  And I am a good influence on her too in other regards.  I am not super keen on having someone else in my space but it is only temporary so I think it will be fine.  She is considering a couple other options so we shall see.


I am a little annoyed that someone else is going to be riding my motorcycle.  Though I know it is not really *mine* but still.  I am glad he is having a good time with his friend though.  Makes me happy.  I hope he still keeps moving forward.  He still has a lot of work to do and progress to make but I am super proud of him.  I truly believe he is going to reach his full potential in this lifetime and I am excited for him for that.  I have to keep moving myself forward and try not to shift my focus to him.  He’s got this.  I need to keep focusing on my shit.  That is hard for me because it is easier to help someone else rather than work on yourself.  I am not trying to pull away from him or make any decisions about us.  I am sure that drives him crazy but I just want to do what is best for me and for him.  I have always wanted to be vulnerable with him but the reaction I got made me shut down.  I can remember one of the first instances of this.  He looked at me with disgust when discussing past sexual experiences and I was taken back.  I thought it was safe to express that stuff and it obviously was not.  Things just progressed from there.


I also think our examples of vulnerability might be different.  I dunno.  I do not think that I have a problem being vulnerable with him anymore.  I am just doing it in small amounts.  I do not have anything to lose so why wouldn’t I?  He says I am not being vulnerable with him though.  So confusing.  And it is not like I will not meditate with him or do those kind of things with him.  I have no problem doing that and I do not think that is too vulnerable fo me at all.  It seems kinda silly that it would be too vulnerable for me.  I just want him to stand alone and do these things by himself before throwing me in the mix.  It just seems a little co-dependent.  I also want to make sure this stuff sticks.  I am still a little gunshy and that is a valid feeling after so many years.  Of course you can be completely open and vulnerable with someone without 20 years of baggage.  Especially our baggage!  The comparisons are very interesting.  I cannot imagine comparing people to each other.  Everyone is unique and different.  Experiences are theirs alone.


I was bullied most of my life.  My father did not think I should be the way I am.  ‘Girls do not like that or act like that.”  It started really young for me.  I thought I had found someone to accept all of me in him but he proved me wrong over and over again.  So yes I have trauma around it.  That does not mean I cannot see that and I know exactly why I do it.  I wish he would understand that and just chill.  I never felt like he wanted to hear what interested me.  It was always all about him and his interests.  Another reason I am a little hesitant.


It is also interesting that he thinks I am hurt.  By what?  Joey?  I am not hurt by that.  Honestly I am not.  I was just annoyed by the timing.  I am completely over it.  It was not *that* big of a deal.  I am not trying to coerce him or convince him of anything.  I expressed my feelings and how I thought but then I am accused of trying to coerce him?  Again, confusing.  I am tired of being confused.