Not sure how I misunderstood the journal.  I copied exactly what it said and mine is still up.  I never said any of the stuff that was assumed.  I do not know what else to say on that.  I did not consider that journal entry having anything to do with Deleted Man.  It was valid and expressing feelings.  That should be done.  There was no apology needed.  I can keep writing here if it is wanted.

It is interesting when I express a need that is for ME that it is taken as a reaction or punishment.  It has nothing to do with anyone other than myself.  This break is a good thing.  Practice not making up stories.  Focus on what needs to be focused on.  Stop making assumptions.  I am not drifting anywhere.  I am correcting my course if anything. Trying to clear my head.  Trying to focus on myself and not other ‘distractions.’  I notice I am easily distracted.  I am really trying to look at that.

I got SO much stuff done this last week!  I passed my motorcycle license test so I am official.  I wish I could ride more often.  I got a bunch of items checked off my business to do list.  I need to keep pushing forward with my business stuff.  I get burned out real quick but the financial hole I am in is not getting any smaller.  It does not look like I am getting any help while the kid is not with me.  That is a whole can of hurt that I do not want to address right now.  Makes me mad and sad all at the same time.  Just makes me realize more and more that I can only rely on myself.  And that I only should rely on myself.  Everything and everyone else is just gravy.  Acceptance, validation and love should come from within.

I am also doing a bunch of research on different subjects and transcribing a bunch of my old sessions with Sara to go back over finally.  I pulled out my tarot cards and journal.  I forgot how much I love them.  I get intimidated because I feel like I am really awful at retaining information and that makes me feel stupid.  I am going to try and start committing to at least pulling one card a day to research the meaning.  I want to get better. I am researching familiars and 2D elemental fae as well.  Interesting stuff for me.  I do not like talking about it much because I feel like I will get made fun of.  So I will just leave it at that.

Today is Litha but I am celebrating tomorrow.

Here we are at Midsummer, arriving at the longest day and the shortest night of the year. The Goddess is now full and pregnant with Child, and the Sun God is at the height of His virility. This is the peak of the Solar year and the Sun is at the height of its life-giving power. The Earth is awash with fertility and fulfillment and this is a time of joy and celebration, of expansiveness and the celebration of achievements.

Yet within this climax is the whisper and promise of a return to the Dark. As the Light reaches its peak, this is also the moment when the power of the Sun begins to wane. From now on the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer and we are drawn back into the Dark to complete the Wheel of the Year.

At this time the God, as Oak King, is rich in abundance, but he too surrenders his reign to his brother twin, the Holly King, and the descent begins. But before we welcome the return to the Dark side of the year, and acknowledge this great turning point of the Wheel, we celebrate!

Traditionally, people stayed up all night on Midsummer’s Eve to welcome and watch the sunrise. Bonfires were lit on tops of hills, by holy wells, at places held sacred, to honor the fullness of the Sun. At Litha, the bonfire really represents a reflection of the sun at the peak of its strength. The chosen wood would often be oak and aromatic herbs, which were scattered into the fire. People danced around the fires and leapt through them. Blazing herbs from the sacred bonfire were used to bless the animals. Blazing torches were carried sunwise around homes and fields. Coals from the Midsummer fire were scattered on fields to ensure a good harvest. It will be nice to just celebrate.  I do not have any plans for any spells.  Next full moon though.  Link for later

I reminded the kid about Father’s Day.  He ignored me for three days.  I finally called him today and gave him shit for not doing anything.  I raised him better than that.  Fucking sucks because it makes me feel bad.  But he is almost an ‘adult’ so he needs to be responsible for that stuff.  I thought it was cute that my mom wanted to call to wish his dad a Happy Father’s Day.  She asked me if she could.  Said she missed him.  He is all about family so I thought it would be nice if her and I came up to get the kid but if that is weird, then I will cancel.

In any case, I am going to stay my course and keep focusing on getting my shit done.  I know these journals are a weird way of communicating but I do it because I know how he is with assumptions and stories.  I guess I wanted this to help.  I can stop if it is not helping.