Well starting this might have been a mistake. I guess I kinda felt bad and wanted to have some contact. But with his last journal entry, it is obvious I should hold to my needs and stop any contact. I mean I’m sure he stalks me on as many random sites as he can and then makes up whatever story he makes up in his head. I was trying to help that. Oh well. I’ll delete this next week.

She also thinks that me having spoken about taking a break from difficult conversations or to think as somehow related to me sleeping with Joey. They are in no way related. Attaching meaning to something that’s not there & creating a story from the ego. So that the ego can justify deceiving your perception. Where there is perception, there is deception.

That combination of completely independent actions is propping up a story that I somehow wronged her by deceiving her that I would just be what … sitting around, thinking? That I tricked her? Misled her? That is not the case. The ego is using that as fuel/justification for something the ego wants. Probably something that would hurt me. Karma right?

I have been upfront about my intentions to sleep with Joey, in this journal, and have discussed it with my wife, many times on FaceTime & in person. There is no deception from me.

I hope she’ll consider that & maybe have some insight into how our realities diverge so much, this seems like an example of that. An opportunity.

All I said was the timing hurt. I never said I felt deceived. I never said any of that stuff. Perfect example of why I always feel crazy and that we have alternate realities. So at least this journal showed me that.

And I was not abusive, Chad. I was not perfect but I was not abusive to you. I was human. I do not want to convince you of anything either. I was expressing my feelings about something and you just turn it all around. Your feelings are completely valid. I actually feel like the opposite is true and you are trying to convince me pretty hard. Regardless, I am not a narcissist. I am not abusive. And I do not gaslight you. All of that is super hurtful. I pride myself on being empathetic and considerate and caring about other people. Especially you. If I was not all those things, I would have left and stayed gone a long, long time ago.

So yeah this all feels icky and gross now. Sorry for starting this and just trying to explain where I am at and where I am coming from. I will find you when I do not feel like this anymore.