It’s official . . . finally

My last name is changed.  Finally got my new social security card.  I have had everything changed since getting married except for that last piece.  Well I need to change my passport but that is easy.  I will do that when I renew it.  Kinda weird that it took all these years and yet I am separated from my husband when it finally happens.  Well it’s not like I’m ever going to change it back.  Still it’s kinda weird timing.


Katie said my energy is all buzzing.  Chaotic.  That’s exactly how I felt.  I had to tell him that I needed a break for a couple weeks.  I need some clarity.  I need to clear the fog that I get into when I’m with him.  I start completely focusing on him and his journey and his needs.  I put myself on the back burner.  It is definitely a pattern.


Plus he slept with Joey.  I did not tell him to do that.  I just said he should do what makes him happy. But that wasn’t what hurt.  It was the fact that he said he needed some no contact and then that very same day, he sleeps over at her house.  And has sex with her.  I did not expect to have feels about it when it happened.  I’m not hurt with the fact that he slept with her.  I mean that’s what I’m doing, correct?  So why should I have feels about it?  But I did and it took me by surprise.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  After processing, I’m kinda glad he did. I don’t know.  He’s lonely up there.  He likes her.  He likes spending time with her.  And it sounds like she likes him back.


It is very difficult not texting him.  He was the first person I wanted to tell about my social security card.  I like getting notified of his journal entries.  Makes me feel still connected.  One of the reasons why I started this journal.  Some of the stuff he writes in his journal makes me feel like I need to respond to it.


This break is not about me contemplating divorce.  I have not contemplated that for some time. I was just feeling a little cornered.  A little pressured.  He doesn’t do it consciously.  It is probably just me.  I don’t know.  That is why I needed a break.  Plus he’s right.  I want to “eek out every minute she can being carefree and off mom duty.”  He was like this for years.  I am going to have the kid for another ten months by myself minus a couple weeks for xmas and a week for spring break.  I do not want to feel guilty for wanting a whole two months to myself.


I hope he takes the time to really figure out what he wants.  I know that is what I am going to try to do.  I feel like we are trying to fit our relationship into this neat little box that society expects of us. We are both so out of the box.  I believe we can come up with something that works for us.  Like our dynamic.  I just do not know how to get there or what that will look like.


Also, I do not think marriage is just a piece of paper.  It is so much more than that.  I tried to tell him that but I do not think he believed me.  I honored my vows until I couldn’t anymore.  I could not just sit there like a doormat and get shit on until he felt like coming back to me.  I was not even sure he would come back.  I do not like it when he implies that I do not take those vows seriously.  It is why I am still even here!


I’m trying not to future trip.  It just gives me anxiety.  I have a to do list and I am trying to focus on that and working on myself.  He says all of my self work is with someone else.  Well, I do most of my work alone.  I have a few people that I get a little guidance from but my journey is mine alone.  I have read tons of books.  I have done tons of research.  I am still doing research.  It all just feels so judgmental from him.  I would never make him feel like he is doing his journey the wrong way because it looks different than mine.  Just rude.


I like being alone.  I am happy when I do not have to answer to anyone.  No one in my space.  Just me and my familiar.  I do not know how I would integrate him back into my world.  I am trying not to think about that yet.  I hope he understands.  I got his flowers today.  They are gorgeous peonies.


I love getting flowers from him.  They make me smile every time I see them.  They make me think of him.  I really like that.  Plus it is very sweet.  I am learning a new man.  I hope he sticks around this time.